


Bachelor Parties

by Doctor_Discord



Series: The Ego Manor [79]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Drunk Dark Is Fun, Drunken Confessions, Drunkenness, Fun, Funny, Reveal, Secrets, Stag Nights & Bachelor Parties, stories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-07 16:40:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19213381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doctor_Discord/pseuds/Doctor_Discord
Summary: As the title says, it's Dark and Wil's bachelor parties! Orchestrated by Bim of course. Dark get's drunk off his ass and...reveals things accidentally while Wil is a giggly bitch who tells stories.





	1. Chapter 1

The sun was setting, the manor was peaceful, and the egos were – as usual – gathered about the living area in various stages of relaxation when Bim bolted to him feet, sending a half-asleep King tumbling to the floor. “Holy shit, you two haven’t had bachelor parties!”

Dark and Wilford exchanged looks. “It’s…it’s not necessary, Bim, besides, it’s a bit too late now, isn’t it?”

Bim scoffed at Dark’s words, placing his hands on his hips. “Not if I have anything to say about it!” A grin rapidly spread across his face. “I have an idea! Does anyone know any good bars?”

Dr. Iplier raised an eyebrow. “Bim, none of us can drink.”

Bim’s attention briefly darted to him before fixing Dark and Wilford with a dazzling smile. “ _We_  may not be able to, but  _they_  can!” And suddenly he was standing  _directly_  in front of them, grabbing their hands and pulling them to their feet and making both of them jump. “Okay, so, let’s split up! Since Dr. Iplier and I are the only one’s with cars and  _licenses_ , we’ll be transportation! I’ll take Wilford!”

Dr. Iplier stood, raising a hand as if to grab Bim’s shoulder but then he was a gone again, helping a groggy King off the floor. “Wait – Bim – I didn’t agree to this!” Bim shot a look over his shoulder, raising an eyebrow, and Dr. Iplier flushed, his hand moving to rub the back of his neck as the Host chuckled next to him. “Yes, okay, I’ll do it, but who’s going with who?”

“Right!” Bim squeezed one of King’s hands as he wiped the sleep from his eyes. “I’ll take Eric, Bing, the Jims, and King! So you’ll take Ed, Google, the Host, Silver, Reynolds, and Dark!”

“Actually –” The Jims stood, speaking in unison, then turned and nudged each other.

RJ took the lead, clearing his throat. “Besides Dark and Wilford, we’re the oldest. We’ve known them longer than anyone. We’d…like to split up.”

Bim’s mouth fell open. “I mean…alright! So RJ, you’ll come with me, then, and I’ll take Reynolds, too!”

“Wait, hold on, shouldn’t you be asking  _us_ for permission?!” Wilford gave Dark a bewildered look, eyes wide and lips parted.

Bim snorted, them proceeded to begin shoving them out the door, the other egos trailing behind them. “Nope, no, you get no say, this is happening!  _Trust_  me guys! This is gonna be fun!”


	2. Dark

Turns out, Bim’s plan was to get Dark and Wilford absolutely  _shit-faced_.

Now, it wasn’t exactly  _difficult_  to get Dark drunk. Celine – when she was alive – could drink every living being within a ten-mile radius under the table without batting an eye. She once downed an entire bottle of vodka in one go just to shut some prick up. Damien, however, was – in short – a lightweight. He could barely have a beer without getting tipsy. When they were sewn together in death, Damien’s tendencies ended up more on top in that respect. That, combined with the fact the Dark pretty much only drank on  _very_ special occasions and even  _more_  rarely got drunk…yeah, he hadn’t exactly built up a tolerance.

Currently, he was sitting in some bar Bim had found and texted the address of to Dr. Iplier with one arm folded across the bar and his forehead resting on it. He’d long-since lost control over his aura, his ringing buzzing sluggishly as his images flickered to either side of him, his aura shifting slowly. He bolted upright when he heard one of the six other egos scattered around him snicker. “Never would’ve pegged  _you_ to be a lightweight.”

He narrowed his eyes at Google, his face flushed a dark,  _dark_ grey. “Sssays the mechanical asshat who can’t fucking drink at  _all_.”

Google started back, blinking rapidly, and Ed promptly  _lost his shit_ , cackling madly and CJ had to grab his shirt to keep him from falling backwards. “Oh this is the best idea Bim’s ever had! Quick, someone ask him somethin’ before his filter comes back!”

Silver inched forward a bit, dressed in civilian clothes. “H-how did you and Wilford meet?”

Dark’s eyes narrowed further. “Arrre you guyss just gonna grill me on our relationship?”

“Yes.” The Host didn’t even skip a beat, a smug smirk plastered to his face, and Dark flipped him off before spinning around in his seat to lean against the bar.

A bright smile spread across his face as he tilted his head back, humming low in his throat. “We met in a club, believe it or not. In 1963. New Year’s Day in fact. We danced the whole night. Well, most of it. No offence, CJ, but I didn’t trust you or your brother alone in the manor for more than six hours, let alone  _together_. I still don’t.”

CJ snorted. “That’s fair.”

“Okay okay okay, back up.” Dr. Iplier raised an eyebrow. “You were in a  _club_. Willingly. To look for guys.”

Dark tilted his head back forward, pouting at Dr. Iplier. “The ‘60s were a very different time. Shut up. D’you wanna hear me talk or not?” When all six of them nodded enthusiastically, he laughed, leaning to the side and propping his elbow up on the bar, resting his cheek on his fist. His blissful little smile returned. “I’ve never seen him look so  _young_. His hair wasn’t dyed yet. Neither was his mustache. And he had this  _twinkle_ in his eyes, this…this  _spark_ …to this day, he was –  _is_ – the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

“That’s so cute, I may throw up.” Dark stuck his tongue out at Silver, who giggled madly, slapping both hands over his mouth.

Out of the corner of his eye, Dark saw Google motion to the bartender for another shot, and when it came Dark downed it immediately, shaking his head as it burned his throat, his images fuzzing for a solid thirty seconds. “Mm, it took us like… _six months_  to kiss for the first time. I wanted to take it slow. Wil practically tackled me.” His brow furrowed. “I think that was…yesterday. No, tomorrow! Tomorrow, in 1963. Yeah, that…that sounds right.”

He was pretty sure Ed had stopped  _breathing_ , he was laughing so hard, completely collapsed over onto the bar and shoulders shaking. The Host raised an eyebrow before turning back to Dark, ‘subtly’ slipping his hand into Dr. Iplier’s. “If the Host may ask…why did it take so long?”

Dark snorted, waving his hand idly as his images fuzzed again, aura beginning to creep around Google’s arm. “Wil was ah… _known_  for sleeping around. I’m pretty sure he’s had sex with more people than I can count.” He arched an eyebrow when Dr. Iplier snorted into his glass of water, Silver, the Host, and CJ all blushing bright red. Google just covered his face with his hand, blue tinting around it, and Ed made an odd wheezing noise. “What? I’m not  _wrong!_ Anyway, I didn’t…didn’t wanna be one of those…those  _one-offs_. Turns out, my fears were unfounded. We’ve been together…fifty-six years.”

“Holy  _shit_.” Dr. Iplier’s jaw dropped. “Just…how old  _are_ you?”

The Host smacked Dr. Iplier’s shoulder as Dark chuckled, tilting his head back again. “ _Rude_ , first off. Secondly…” His brow furrowed, and he began to count on his fingers. “I am…almost 130 years old.”

“That is…literally impossible.” Despite his words, Google looked unsure.

“Well, Google, don’t always trust your  _searches_.” Dark pointed at him accusatorily. “We were born in 1889, in December, I don’t fucking know  _when_ , I stopped caring about that about 70 years ago, but  _there_.”

“' _We_ ’?”

Dark froze at Silver’s words, swapping a panicked look with CJ. “I shouldn’t have said that. Oh  _fuck me_.” His images fuzzed again, but this time they solidified  _very_  differently. Celine, Damien, and Dark all stiffened. “Well  _shit_.”

“Uh…what’s going on? Who are they?” Even Ed raised his head when Dr. Iplier spoke, all staring at him with confusion while CJ looked about ready to have a heart attack.

“No one! Absolutely no one, fucking  _Christ_ , I am drunk.” Dark tried to dismiss them, or at least get them to change  _back_ , but all that happened was his aura started petting the Host’s head, and Damien and Celine just looked at each other. Damien attempted a smile and gave a small wave. Dark tried to swat at him, completely forgetting that his hand would just go straight through him. “Shhh, fucking  _not the time!_ ”

“Who…are these two? And why is  _CJ_ actin’ weird about it?” Dark gave Ed an odd look, then sighed heavily.

“They…are the twin souls that live inside my head. They…make up  _me_.” He leaned back again, gesturing vaguely at CJ. “ _He_ – and RJ – watched them die, like, what, how long ago was that?”

CJ shrunk. “Almost 94 years ago.”

“Okay, for the record, I did  _not_ think we’d actually be learning Earth-shattering secrets about you when we got you drunk off your ass.” Dr. Iplier raised his hands in surrender. “Does…anyone else know about these two?”

Dark let out another sigh, this one through his nose. “Ah…um, B-Bim does, for…reasons…no one else though.” Suddenly he straightened, his demeanor snapping back to its regular,  _terrifying_ intimidation. “You  _cannot_ tell anyone about this.  _Especially_ not Wil. He  _can’t_ know about them.”

“Why not?” The Host frowned, tilting his head. “Shouldn’t Wilford be aware of such an integral part of Darkiplier’s being?”

“He  _can’t_ know, because…” Dark shook his head. “ _Fuck_  I need another shot.” He waved his hand and one appeared, downing it instantly. “Wil grew up with them. I’ve known Wil my entire life. The manor is actually his childhood home. And Damien and Celine… _these_ two I mean…spent so much time there, it was practically theirs as well. The four of us were inseparable till we were like twenty, when everything went to  _shit_.”

“Four?” Silver prompted. “Either you’re  _really_ bad at counting –”

“– He’s had like forty shots, Silver.”

“–  _Thank_ you, Google, but my point still stands.”

Dark raised an eyebrow, propping his head up with two fingers on his temple and his thumb digging into his cheek. “Are ya done?”

Silver nodded. “Yeah I’m good.”

Dark drew his mouth in tight line. “Hm.  _Any_ way, the fourth was Wil’s adoptive brother, the one who’s family actually  _owned_ the manor. And…that was…Mark.”

Google sparked next to him, as all six of their jaws hit the floor. Dark rolled his eyes. “Oh fucking Christ, Google, it’s not that Earth-shattering!”

“Uh,  _yeah!_ Yeah it is!” CJ glared at him. “I’ve been around almost as long as you and Wilford and even  _I_ didn’t know that!”

“Wait so, why do you hate him so much? If you four were such close friends…what went wrong?”

Dark laughed, pointing at Dr. Iplier, and both Damien and Celine face-palmed. “Now  _that_ is a story I will only tell sober, and I’m not  _dumb enough_ to tell it then. Sorry, you’re outta luck.”

“God _dammit_.” Dr. Iplier crossed his arms, and the Host snorted, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“Wait, hold on, what happened in 1963 then? If you’ve known Wilford for forever, that’s not the first time you’ve met.”

Dark’s gaze slid to Ed. “Wil doesn’t remember them. Hasn’t got a clue. The same day  _they_  died and were shoved into  _this_ broken fucking shell is the same day Wil’s mind broke. I was in that club because I was  _looking_ for him, to rekindle our relationship from thirty-eight years prior. But to him…that  _is_ when we first met, excluding the rare moments when he’s sane and lucid.”

“ _Wow_. That…is an origin story if I’ve ever heard one.” Silver flashed a cheeky grin.

Dark laughed, shaking his head. Damien and Celine at last fizzled away, and he slumped, turning in his seat to press his forehead to the bar. He let out a drawn-out groan. “I am…going to be  _so_ hungover. Alright, let’s go home.  _Please_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drunk Dark is so cute and fun I love him


	3. Wilford

_On the complete opposite side of the city…_

Wilford was having the _time of his life_ with the other six egos, a martini in each hand and another floating vaguely to the right of his head. _He_ was able to hold his liquor _much_ better than Dark, and was currently telling some story that may or may not be true (fuck if _he_ knows) about some of the shenanigans he got up to in the era where he wore a bright pink afro.

“ _God_ , I still can’t believe you’re _serious!_ A pink afro? Jesus Christ, that is a fashion _monstrosity!_ ” Bim covered his face in his hands as Wilford laughed, taking a sip of one of his martinis.

“It was the ‘70s, Bim! It was very _era appropriate!_ You know, I think I might have it lying around somewhere…” His trademark slur had gotten steadily worse the more the night went on, his voice growing rougher simultaneously. He downed the rest of his martini, slinging an arm around Reynolds and pointing at Bim. “Speaking of crimes against fashion, there’s a whole closet somewhere in the manor, I don’t _quite_ remember where, but it’s _packed_ with a variety of the most outrages outfits of every decade going back to the 1920s. I think Dark’s been collecting them as he goes along. You should check it out some time.”

Bing gasped. “ _Please_ tell me there is hippie stuff in there from the ‘60s. That is my _jam_ and Google would be _horrified!_ ”

Eric giggled as Wilford winked. “Rainbow tie-dye as far as the eye can see, my friend!” He drank half of the martini in his other hand. “Mm, you know, Dark doesn’t _always_ wear those suits.” He flashed a wide grin. “As a side note, black satin looks _very_ good on him.”

“You’re _kidding_.” King gaped at him. Wil just laughed and shook his head, still grinning like mad.

Bim began bouncing in his seat, grinning just as wildly. “ _Please_ tell me you have a picture!”

Wil promptly summoned a small, swirling, psychedelic pink portal. He stuck his arm through, sending Reynolds scrambling in surprise. His tongue poked out from between his teeth as he rummaged around, and then his eyes lit up. “Ah _ha!_ ”

He pulled his arm free, the little portal disappearing. In his hand was an old polaroid. It depicted an obviously younger Dark wearing a short, sleeveless black dress. He was smiling, caught mid-laughter and refusing to look at the photographer who was clearly Wilford – Dark never smiled like that for anyone but. His head was tilted downward slightly, one arm wrapped around his middle with his other hand caught halfway through running through his hair. He was blushing heavily, gaze adverted to the floor, and obviously embarrassed and bashful but he looked… _incredibly_ happy.

Bim snorted, taking the polaroid from Wilford. “Ooooh ho ho _man!_ This is great! When did you take this?”

Wilford waved his hand idly as Bim passed the photo around. “Early ‘90s, I think. He bought the thing himself. Wanted to surprise me. Clearly he wasn’t expecting me to take pictures, but he was so adorable, I couldn’t resist.” His expression into a soft, fond smile as the photo returned to his hand.

“Wait wait wait, Dark bought that _himself?_ Are we talking about the same Dark here?” Though Reynolds’ words were jabbed, he was smiling good-naturedly.

Wilford chuckled, finishing off his second martini and grabbing the floating third. “Yep! He’s not the only one who’s worn a dress in his time. I have rocked quite a few cocktail dresses over the years.”

RJ laughed, crossing his arms. “Now _that_ I am not surprised by.”

Wilford just shrugged, dismissing the photo. His aura was only just beginning to appear around him, barely there and extremely translucent as he took a sip of his drink. He raised an eyebrow when Bim pointed accusatorily at RJ. “Hey! Don’t diss dresses until you’ve worn one! They’re surprisingly comfortable.”

“Hold up, _you’ve_ worn a dress?!” Eric gave Bim an odd look.

Bim shrugged, crossing his arms. “I’ve tried almost everything at least once.”

A too-wide grin spread across Bing’s face. “That implies a _lot_ of things, Bim. I doubt you’ve ever been a stripper.” When Bim simply grinned back, Bing’s jaw dropped, eyes going wide as he lifted his shades to rest on his head. “ _No_. You’re kidding!”

Bim chuckled, running a hand through his sparkly hair. “ _That_ was one of the most fun nights of my life. Sorry, King.” King quickly adopted a scandalized expression and smacked Bim’s shoulder. _Repeatedly._ Bim laughed, fending him off with both arms raised as a shield, laughter in his voice. “No! No please, not the hair!”

King smacked him one last time, sticking his tongue out. “ _Prick_.”

Bim just smiled, kissing him on the cheek. “I love you!”

King blushed, turning his head away and crossing his arms. “I love you, too.”

Eric giggled again, smothering it with both hands pressed firmly over his mouth, as Reynolds rolled his eyes. Wilford chuckled, leaning back in his seat. “He’s right, though. Dresses are very nice. Very… _breezy_.”

King covered his face with his hands, glowing red between his fingers. “ _Please_ shut up.”

Bing cackled madly, both arms wrapped around his middle. Wilford hummed, idly sipping at his martini. “So! While I’m drunk and have even less of a filter than usual, any _dirty little secrets_ you want to know? I know them all, I guarantee.”

Bim slammed his hands in the table. “ _Yes_. Absolutely yes. Tell me everything, I don’t care what it is.”

Wilford raised an eyebrow, looking upward and twirling his finger in the air. “Let’s see…I once caught Ed with your glitter. You know how he’s always complaining about it getting everywhere, particularly in his ‘prized mustache’? Yeah he puts it there himself.”

Bim narrowed his eyes. “ _Bastard_. I’ll slit his throat.” He beamed. “Keep going!”

Eric’s eyes shot wide, laying a hesitant hand on Bim’s arm. “Please don’t slit Ed’s throat.”

Wilford laughed. “Oh! This is less of a secret and more of a warning: _Never_ interrupt the Host when he’s writing creatively. He rarely swears but _God_ I thought my head was about to explode. His very fluent and _very_ creative when it comes to using the word ‘fuck’.”

King’s mouth fell open. “Dear God how are you still alive.”

RJ scoffed. “If you think _that’s_ bad, CJ and I accidentally walked in on the _Author_ while he was writing. He was so focused he didn’t see us, and I have _no idea_ what he was doing in the manor, but that was one of the few times in our lives we’ve been genuinely terrified.”

King and Wilford both cringed horribly, and Wilford’s aura finally solidified. “Bloody Hell, kid, why didn’t you get Dark or I?”

RJ raised an eyebrow. “Yes, because we would’ve _loved_ to have the Author find out we snitched on him. _No thanks_.”

King wrung his cape in his hands. “That’s – admittedly – fair.”

Wilford shook his head. “Anyone else?”

“What is _the most embarrassing_ thing you’ve ever caught Dark doing?” Bing’s eyes were glowing brightly, his core humming loudly. “Come on, a dress is just scratching the surface, it _has_ to be!”

Slowly, a feral gleam appeared in Wilford’s eyes as he leaned forward, a predatory smile spreading across his face. “Oooooooh, go big or go home. Well –” He downed the rest of his martini. “About twenty, thirty years ago, Dark was having one of his bad days. Not one of the _super_ bad ones, he could get up and move, but he was bitchy and kept snapping at everyone. And considering there was only the four of as the time – me, him, and the Jims – he didn’t have very many outlets.”

He locked eyes with RJ, who’s own grin was growing broader the longer Wilford talked. “Oh I know _exactly_ what you’re talking about!”

Wilford winked. “Anyway, he was heading out to the backyard, since the warmer air sometimes makes him feel better. Back then, before more people started showing up, the manor wasn’t exactly ‘well-kept’. Dark tried to keep it clean and whatnot, but all of that was a bit much for one person, dark magic-wielding demon or otherwise. I tried to help, but I usually ended up making things worse in some way or another. And you boys _insist_ on acting like toddlers to this day.” RJ just shrugged in response.

Wilford sighed. “Point is, place was rundown a bit. So he was heading outside, and the screen door for the backyard was practically falling apart. He never had time to fix it himself, and no one wants to go out of there way to come to the manor. And Dark’s pant leg caught in a snag.” He laughed at Bim’s horrified expression. “It doesn’t end there. Since he currently was incapable of bending down to pull it free and he’d rather chop off his left arm than rip one of his suits, he grabbed the top of the door to brace himself and tried to nudge his leg free with his cane.”

RJ had begun giggling madly, no doubt at the memory, as Wilford continued. “When that _obviously_ didn’t work, Dark let go of the door, except his arm didn’t fall limp; his sleeve had _also_ caught in a broken piece of mesh.” Now the others had begun giggling as well, except Bim, who looked even _more_ horrified. “So Dark starts screaming for me, and I pop down thinking he’s hurt himself or something, but no – I just find Dark blushing like an idiot and trapped in the screen door like a fly in a spider’s web. He was _mortified_. I got him down once I was done laughing. Unfortunately, I felt too bad for him to take a picture this time.”

“ _You_ might’ve, but CJ filmed the whole thing once we heard him screaming. We have it somewhere, if anyone would like to explore with us later through our archives.” RJ flashed a devious grin.

Reynolds nodded enthusiastically, Bing and Bim quickly following his lead. “Yes. Yes _please_.”

RJ opened his mouth to reply, but then a brief snippet of ‘Can’t Stop the Feeling!’ by Justin Timberlake played, and he pulled out his phone. “Speaking of CJ…the others are heading home.” He snorted. “Apparently Dark passed out at the bar and Google had to carry him out to the car as his aura quote ‘stroked Google’s leg enthusiastically’.”

Wilford burst into laughter. “Yep, that sounds like drunk Dark. Come on. Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My bois! This was so much fun and SO cute! Anyway, as Dark's chapter implied, tomorrow will be the story of Dark and Wil's first kiss! It's cute as shit! See you then!


End file.
